It’s that time of year again. It’s stressful, it’s cold, and it’s the last stretch of four months of Christmas merchandise being shoved down our throats by stores.
I don’t know who is buying Christmas candy in September, but all power to them I guess.
However, with the holiday season comes holiday movies–amazingly bad holiday movies.
I can’t tell if these Christmas movies are good because they’re bad, or if they’re so bad that my brain repressed the trauma of watching them. Now, I think they’re average.
Either or, time to mentally scar myself again in this review of the best—or worst—Christmas movies.
When I first started this journey, I looked to streaming services like Netflix, Hulu, and that other one no one cares about (Peacock).
That’s when it hit me. The best movies aren’t gonna be hidden behind a paywall, no, those directors have only the best of intentions.
So I went to YouTube, the true pinnacle of the best content to watch out there.
After three unskippable ads, I finally pressed play on the first Christmas movie I would watch this year. Yes, my new favorite Christmas movie is “New Christmas Movies 2023 – A Brush with Christmas 2023 – Best Holiday Movies Full HD”.
The top comment is, “The mother is overbearing.” So I know this is going to be great.
The movie opens with some establishing shots that are way too long for comfort, including one of a poster for a chef named Charlotte Williams.
The camera stays on this poster for way longer than necessary, so that’s how you know the poster is going to be an important aspect later.
I think the director only knows two camera shots, because, for a solid 30 seconds, it’s just two ongoing shots of the characters talking, standing still, and talking.
Charlotte, the main character, is having an internal conflict trying to choose between her passion of being a painter and following in her father’s legacy by cooking. So she signed up for an upcoming art festival to pursue her passion.
We then meet two unnamed men, who are supposed to be the main characters, but the director didn’t include their names in this scene.
One of the men is a traveling artist, his friend signs him up for the same art festival that Charlotte signed up for. You can see where this is going.
Also, completely arbitrary information, but the male love interest doesn’t blink in a single shot he’s in. Why? What mystery is behind those soulless, unblinking eyes? I’ll never know, I turned off my brain halfway through this movie.
So a little bump in the road happens, Charlotte is told that the events need catering, and she has to cook for it. The Event Planner Patrick assumes that she can cook enough food for three separate events by tomorrow.
As far as I can tell, she’s the only cook working at the restaurant other than the sous chef. The director just decided not to hire any other extras, because every other shot of the kitchen is completely empty.
Which raises a question. How is this kitchen still running with just two cooks?
Charlotte, and her apparent magical powers of cooking, accepts, despite being visibly nervous about the decision.
And now finally the love interests meet. Charlotte starts drawing on an advertisement sign and the unnamed artist man comes over and draws with her. Which is normal and not creepy.
They have the usual banter along with quirky music playing in the background, and after a full twenty minutes, we finally learn this guy’s name.. Wyatt.
After a few montages of Charlotte prepping for the festival, and Wyatt making a new art piece for said festival, the two finally meet up again. I don’t know what insane world these people live in where it’s not creepy to walk up to someone you met for five minutes on the street. Just to talk to them like you knew them for five years—but oh my god.
Charlotte sees Wyatt standing around and just goes over to him and asks him about his private life. I can’t even remember what I wore yesterday. How in the world can Charlotte remember the face of another mediocre white man on the street?
It’s a Christmas miracle I guess.
They bond at the festival and end the night with a romantic walk on the street. It would be romantic if they hadn’t met only yesterday.
In this romantic walk, Charlotte is convinced about following her dreams of being a painter and leaves the restaurant in the hands of her mother.
Okay, maybe I’m being too harsh. It’s all-around a cute movie if you enjoy Christmas movies—which I do not.
And, yes I’ll admit it, some of the jokes got an aggressive exhale through my nose, sue me.
Would I watch it again? Probably not. Will I think about it and its questionable camera work and writing for way longer than I probably should? Absolutely, I will.
And will I question the speed at which the two main characters get together? Yes, but it’s a Christmas movie, and everyone gets a little frisky around Christmas I guess.