Content Warning: Mentions of rape and violence against women.
Imagine that you are a woman who is about to come out with her story of sexual assault. You know this won’t be something easy, but you know you must say it. You build up all the courage, and you feel like you’ll be able to finally regain your voice.
You then see a man behind you in the corner. He approaches you and puts his hand on your shoulder, cold palms, kinda sweaty. He whispers these three words, “Not all men.”
“Not all men” has been used as a way to silence women coming out against experiences of sexual abuse and other bad experiences with men. Accusing women of making generalizations about men as a whole. All while ignoring the issue of male violence against women.
When you use the phrase “not all men” or a variation of it, you are giving yourself and other men a pat on the back for the bare minimum. While, of course, not every man will be violent towards women, it’s important to understand the social power dynamics between men and women. Just because you aren’t like that, doesn’t mean a woman on the street you pass by will recognize that.
In America, one in three women has experienced rape and or some form of sexual assault in their lives. If you walk into a room with 40 women, at least 13 were raped. Against our will, rape has been a long ingrained fear installed in women.
An unfortunate truth with men in the world is that they’re all socialized and benefit from the patriarchy in small and big ways. We live in a world where all of us are socialized under patriarchy, women are socialized to act more submissive and passive, while men are socialized to be aggressive. While in this system, men will have more power over women in all situations, cross-culturally.
When women use the plural term of men, we’re not talking about random men; we’re talking about men as a class. As a class, men are viewed as superior to women and deserve more than women. Men deserve more money, job opportunities, respect, and they’re viewed as more human.
Regardless of whether you, a man, know you would never harm a woman in any way, it doesn’t disprove the socialization men undergo under patriarchy. A good man, regardless of his upbringing, can pose a threat to women. The exception doesn’t disprove the rule; if anything, it reinforces it.
When men come to me and say, “Well, I’m not like this, I don’t harm women,” to that, I have to ask, Why are you telling me this? I’m not the one you should be saying this to. Tell it to the rapists, men who harass women on the street, victim blamers, rape apologists, wife beaters, tell it to those men who believe they speak for how all women should be treated; If you claim innocence, it’s better to prove it than just say it.
We as women know that not all men will be a threat to us physically or emotionally. However, it doesn’t erase the systemic discrimination and abuse we suffer daily. Regardless of whether all men can be harmful or not, it doesn’t matter to us in the moment, especially if our lives depend on us being apprehensive.
Our safety should be more important than trying to appease a man’s feelings. When our safety depends on being wary of men when we walk alone or have to be around that one creepy guy at a party, your concern should be with us, not the hypothetical feelings of one man.